Duty or Design

Oh, so responsible. Yes, that was me. First, born of my siblings, and daughter to a mother whose journey included many years of alcohol abuse, I learned to craft responsibility as a feature of my personal value and worth. From age 10, it seemed noble to me to tackle duties far beyond my years which carried a reward of be being ‘capable’, such as should be the role of a parent.

Sourcing duties as a place of belonging, it became my strength with each ‘challenge’ met in the day. What I had conveniently not been willing to see was that with this type of responsibility, required an agreement with my own suffering, and a sacrifice thought of as noble and “what a dependable person should do”. This led me down many narrow roads of self-imposed duty and critical thinking towards others, taking on tasks that were not mine to do. Filled with anger, weary, and resentful, personal well-being took a second seat to each cause of ‘well-doing’.

Without a place to receive, these verses became my song.

“There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death. Even in laughter the heart may sorrow, and the end of mirth may be grief. The backslider in heart will be filled with his own ways, but a good man will be satisfied from above”.                                                                                                       Proverbs 14:12-14

Seeing this verse in the light of a new understanding has enlarged my perspective. Long ago, I had learned that God wanted us to align with His agenda, and this included waiting on His timing as best suited for a given situation. Sometimes it meant pressing into a tight timeline and towards others, and at other times, waiting for instruction as to what should come next.

This healing starts with coming face to face with pain, most of it long forgotten and vigorously avoided within and around us. As a child, I had taken on a role to ‘fill in’ for something missing but the issue was, long after that ‘something’ was no longer needed, I still lived from that model. When others didn’t step up - I did, when another needed guidance - I gave an answer, and whether I liked it or not, I lived in a place of isolation, loneliness as a very responsible individual. Eventually grief and a sense of a lack of belonging became a part of every significant relationship.

There are two sides to responsibility, one side is to build a platform under the situation and others, and the other side is the less obvious. It’s the side of receptivity, where we learn the art form of accepting a space to occupy with what has been given to us and trust God’s best is possible. At times the building blocks are others to erect the platform needed. The foundation is most often a new level of trust in relationship.

Receiving is something not sought after by many Christians and is often considered an expression of sinful selfishness but, it’s not. In fact, when we are not able to accept a gift given by another, we cut off our ability to receive even from the hand of God!  He uses all types of relationships and situations to bring us closer to His love. Isaiah 64:5 has never been so true. When we try to cover our good deeds in the rags of our own righteousness it causes us to forget who we are and our true design.

Turning towards the Heavenly source of Father-Son-Holy Spirit has never been as important then now. As believers, and citizen of the Kingdom of God, it’s critical that our design be cleansed and free in dedication to His agenda. From that position, we fulfill the abundance of His joy, lacking no good thing. Luke 12:32 says, “Fear not little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the Kingdom.”

How many times have we’ve tried in our own strength to make something ‘work’ rather than trust in His plan.

I’m speaking to all of us who have taken the journey out from under the shadow of abuse and come to recognize it’s not ‘normative’ to suffer. Though at times, some suffering is directed of God, for our good, other suffering is birthed from a place of wounded duty, relentless lack, and where responsibility takes on a form as being “noble”.

It's time to turn our face towards the Lord and hear His call to arms – His plan is good, and His design in us…phenomenal.